I know what you are saying: “It’s not even the Fourth of July yet, and already I am sick of hearing the songs of the summer blasting everywhere I go!”
“Like ‘Espresso’?” someone asks.
No! Obviously, you mean those perennial hits we all know and listen to every year, just as we do Christmas and other holiday songs. They have been pumping out of speakers at barbecues since Memorial Day and show no sign of stopping.
I’m talking about songs such as “I’m in a Marching Band,” which no parade would be complete without! Or have you ever attended a wedding without “Summer Wedding Dance” bringing everyone to the dance floor? Why, that would be like having Thanksgiving without hearing “Draw a Hand Turkey” even once. I certainly didn’t just make these songs up in collaboration with composer Jack Mitchell. That is not something we do every so often.
Still, just in case you missed them somehow, I have gone ahead and made you the perfect playlist of the top eight songs of the summer. I have also provided links for you to listen to them, just in case you have been living in a hole and culture has passed you by. You’re welcome!
8. “Sunscreen (In My Eye),” by Cali
Sunscreen’s so important to protect your skin.
The body’s largest organ keeps your insides in.
The sun likes to attack it, but we love to defend,
So use some sunscreen on your epidermis, friend!
I have been jamming to this song since it hit the charts in 2011. Listening to the lyrics, I can see why Cali never hit it as big as she could have. In a 2014 interview with Rolling Stone, superstar producer Jack Antonoff talks about meeting her at a party and saying, “Cali, your vocals are impeccable, but if you keep including specific dermatologic terms in your lyrics, you’re never going to become a mainstream pop star.”
Her subsequent singles, “You Put the ‘Cute’ in ‘Subcutaneous Layer’” and “ABCD! (Know the Signs of an Abnormal Mole)” failed to chart.
7. “I’m in a Marching Band,” arr. John Philip Pseudo
My tuba is too heavy, and my outfit is too hot.
I’m stuck behind the horses in a quite unpleasant spot,
And I just stepped in something that I think the horse forgot —
I hate this marching band!
The tune? Pure military march. The lyrics? Added decades later by an anonymous instrumentalist. I can no longer hear the underlying music without also hearing these lyrics, just as I can no longer hear “Jingle Bells” without remembering that Batman smells.
6. “Confrontation,” from “Les Grillsérables”
Stop hovering and go bring out the chips and slaw!
That is your job here as my son-in-law —
The grill is mine! I’ll see these burgers done.
It just isn’t a cookout without two people at the grill trying to duet on this track. If this goes well, they can double up with “Red and Black,” the following duet on the album (“Red, the hue this steak should be! Black, the color that it is!”)
Marketed as “A ‘Les Misérables’ for Men Who Love to Grill” and “Songs You Can Play for Your Uncle Who Says He’s ‘Never Once Attended a Musical’ Like It’s Something to Be Proud Of, But You Think He’d Like It if He Weren’t So Afraid,” this concept album boasts a blurb from Guy Fieri that states, “I listened to this.”
Other numbers included are “On My Own (The Way I Do My Grilling),” “Do You Hear the People Singe?” and “Bring Ham Home.”
5. “SAND,” by Belka, Strelka and Bob
First it was in the sea, now it is on the land.
You can feel with a touch in the palm of your hand.
It’s a substance that we understand,
And the name that it is called is … SAND!
Swedish electronic group Belka, Strelka and Bob looked around them at the landscape of Europop hits in 2003 and said: “There have been songs about many subjects, but none of them have been universal! Sand is universal!” They decided that they had a surefire winner on their hands that would practically write itself … only it didn’t. People who have heard it in the original Swedish say it is “marginally better.”
It is not every year you have a Europop hit about sand that includes a lyric singling out George Sand in a negative way. Also, the more I listen to this song, the less sure I am that Belka knows anything about sand. Does it come from the sea? Is that how sand works? Is it, in fact, a substance that we understand?
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4. “Fireworks!!!!!” from “Soothing Sounds for Dogs (Vol. 6)”
It’s worse than the vacuum! There’s nowhere to go!
They say it’s in color, but I wouldn’t know.
After Vol. 5 of “Soothing Sounds for Dogs,” the quality control went way down. Indeed, I don’t think they even listened to this song before releasing it, to the dismay of thousands of dog owners nationwide who were suddenly confronted with rock vocals, blaring guitars and actual firework effects.
Unfortunately, the subsequent lawsuits only served to popularize the song, which became a niche hit among the sort of people who like those albums where dogs and cats woof and meow their way through Christmas songs.
3. “Beach Traffic,” by the Beach Realists
The GPS keeps lying that there’s minutes to go,
But the GPS has said that for three hours or so.
This was the only hit by the Beach Realists, a group founded in the 1960s as a direct response to the existence of the Beach Boys. “The Beach Boys are a provocation,” lead singer Ryan Wontdottir said. “We are a corrective. We were trying to bring realism and truth to the world of the beach, to the same soundtrack of joyful pop.”
In later life, Wontdottir was also an admirer of “SAND,” which he said “gets at the gritty reality of sand, especially in the original Swedish.”
2. “Summer Wedding Dance,” by Party Stopperz
Okay ladies, say the following with a straight face:
I’m going to wear this dress again!
“I’m going to wear this dress again!”
No, I didn’t believe you, ladies — again!
I know other people complain and say things like, “Though it claims to be a line dance, it never explains what the actual dance steps are,” but those people are wrong: The dance steps are all the painful decisions that brought you to this wedding dance floor in the first place.
The song’s lyricist removed her name from the credits because her friends all felt it was a direct criticism of their weddings specifically.
1. “Hot Dog 76,” from “Nathan’s: The Musical”
’Cause I am Hot Dog 76, resplendent on my bun!
And I sit right here at Nathan’s in the hot dog contest sun.
In this ill-fated show, a young, hopeful hot dog discovers the harsh reality of life on Coney Island as he is devoured. Audiences described the show as “something that felt like it was for kids, but then the main character got eaten alive.”
I’m just going to say it: I think this musical should have been a hit, and I’m sorry it closed after a single performance. The kickline alone was worth the price of admission, I am told.
The show’s producer attributed its failure to the rise of jukebox musicals, saying, “These days, people would rather just go hear a song they already know than watch a singing hot dog perform all-new, all-original songs with a live, full orchestra before Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut eats him.”
And I agree with him! Which would you rather listen to on the Fourth of July: “Born in the U.S.A.” again, or this hot dog meeting his gruesome demise? Do not answer that! Just enjoy the playlist. Long live summer — both the sandy, eye-stinging, booming, traffic-ridden reality, and the summer we will erroneously remember as it is preserved on our Instagrams. “Espresso” belongs with the latter. These are the songs of the former.
Music and lyrics by Alexandra Petri and Jack Mitchell. Music production by Jack Mitchell. Guitar tracking, vocal engineering and additional music production by Conor Keelan. Vocals by Andrew Barbato, Jack Mitchell, Corey Moss, Anthony Norman, Emily Olcott, Fergie L. Philippe and Jamie Linn Watson. Special thanks to Andrea DeVito.
